Grief: Coping with reminders after a loss
When you lose someone close, your grief doesn't just magically end in time. Reminders often bring back the pain of loss. Here's how to cope and heal. When a loved one dies, you often don't experience the grief of loss just once. You're likely to relive your grief on the anniversary of your loved one's death and on special days throughout the year, such as a birthday or religious holiday. Even memorial celebrations for strangers who died in catastrophes, conflicts or disasters can trigger the familiar pain and sadness of a loss.
The return of these feelings of grief is not necessarily a setback in the grieving process. It's a reflection that the lives of others were important to you, and that you grieve their loss. Learning more about what to expect and how to cope with reminders of your loss can help make the grieving process a healthy, healing one.
When Grief Returns
The memories and emotions rekindled through reminders are called anniversary
reactions. These reactions, which can last for days or weeks at a time, often give rise to
a host of emotions and physical problems. You may experience sadness, loneliness, anger,
anxiety, nightmares and lack of interest in activities, just as you did when you first
grieved. You may weep unexpectedly or replay images or scenes related to your loved
one. You might have trouble eating or sleeping, or develop headaches, stomach pain or
intestinal upset.
Anniversary reactions can also evoke powerful emotional memories - experiences in which you vividly recall the feelings and events surrounding the death. You might remember in great detail where you were and what you were doing, for instance.
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Common Triggers of Grief
Some reminders are almost inevitable, especially during the first year after a death.
That's when you'll face a lot of "firsts" - the first holiday after your sister died, for
example. The first Mother's Day after losing your mom. The first anniversary of a
national tragedy. Your reactions to these firsts might be intense, but you'll probably find it
easier to cope with subsequent anniversary dates as years pass.
Common Reminders that May Trigger Your Grief Also Includes:
Weddings and wedding anniversaries
Family gatherings or celebrations
Childhood milestones, including the first day of school, prom, homecoming and other
child-oriented days, such as Halloween
Special days - when you met, when you became engaged, when you last saw your loved
one alive, when you took a big trip together, for example
Reminders aren't just tied to the calendar, though. They can be anywhere - in sights, sounds and smells, in the news or on television programs. And they can ambush you, suddenly flooding you with emotions when you drive by the restaurant your wife loved or when you hear a song your friend liked so much.
Even years after a loss you may continue to feel sadness and pain when you're confronted with such reminders. Although some people think grieving should last a year or less, grieve at your own pace.
When grief becomes depression or PTSD
On the other hand, protracted or intense grief can be unhealthy. If you find that your
feelings interfere with your ability to function in your daily life - you miss work deadlines,
have conflicts with family or friends, neglect your appearance or stop socializing, for
instance - you may no longer be simply grieving. Your grief may have progressed into
depression or post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD).
Depression
Symptoms of depression include self-criticism, feelings of guilt about the loss and even
thoughts of suicide. If you're experiencing any of these symptoms, it's time to get
treatment. Start by visiting your primary care doctor to discuss treatment options, such as
psychotherapy or medication.
PTSD In some cases, anniversary reactions can trigger PTSD. This is more likely to occur when you have recurrent distressful memories of something that happened to you personally, such as a mugging or a car accident. Signs and symptoms of post-traumatic stress include fear and anxiety, a lack of focus, sadness, changes in sleeping or eating habits, bouts of crying, or recurrent thoughts or nightmares about the event. If you have these disturbing feelings for more than a month, if they're severe or if you feel you're having trouble coping, see your doctor or a mental health professional.
"... it is not the will of your Father which is in Heaven, that one of these little ones should perish."
